Sunday, August 2, 2015

Fantasy Friendwich

In honor of International Friendship Day, here's a taste of the fantasy friendwich of which I would like to be the delicious spam center. Sometimes, the best besties can be found in the baddie camp. I would argue that villains make good allies, because when they commit to helping, they won't hesitate to get their hands dirty. So yeah, when shit goes down, these are the kind of guys I want on my side. The three of us can live in a little flat and it'll be like New Girl, but not funny. So, exactly like New Girl. How does a skewed moral compass and a misplaced sense of loyalty make for the closest comrades? Let me break it down for you:

Terry Silver (Karate Kid III)

"They made you suffer, so I'm gonna make them suffer and suffer. And when I think they've suffered enough, then I start with the pain."

Most people take the sappy, sentimental route when repaying a life debt. Not Terry Silver. When his friend and fellow war veteran John Kreese is down on his luck, what does he do? Terry sends him on an all-expense paid vacation for some much-needed R&R while he hatches an elaborate revenge plot against Daniel-san in his bubble bath, with a cigar in hand, like a boss.

This scheme involves a lot of trolling teenagers, bullying bonsai trees, and buying out the crumbling chain of Cobra Kai dojos so it doesn't go out of business. Good entrepreneurial call? Maybe not. Baller move? Yes. He bought the whole franchise. Like Mr. Saito, he probably thought it was neater.

Is it weird for this grown-ass man go to such lengths to harass a kid and a senior citizen? Sure, but this insane loyalty makes sense when you remember that the brotherhood between these baddies was cemented after Kreese saved Silver on the battlefield.
Richie Ginelli (Thinner)

"This has been out of hand, and I'm just the guy to put it back in hand."

Who can you call when gypsies are out to get you? Richie The Hammer Ginelli. He's the kind of friend you turn to for no-questions-asked favors, because you know he can get shit done without any judgements or reservations. Richie deserves some sort of BFF Award for taking Billy Halleck on his word, which is more than can be said for most of us if our friends were to come to us with crazy-cakes stories about gypsy curses.

Not only does he have a badass handle, he fights black magic with machine guns, acid, and gleeful enthusiasm, mofos. And it actually works! His one-man assault is so impressively effective that it's enough to get a whole camp of gypsies to change their minds about the White Man From Town.

Like all great mafiosos, Richie knows how to take care of his own. I don't know anyone else who would go to such lengths to help their lawyer, especially after they got off. He also does most of the dirty work himself even though he's so rich he could probably just get one of his henchies to take care of it. I respect that.

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